Sunday, 27 December 2009

Week 9 / 10 / 11 – Recover from Round 1

Week 9 / 10 / 11

Once home its basically about a week or so of feeling hollowed out, sick, tired, weak, feeble. I thought I was getting short of breath at times, but when I saw my doctor my lungs appeared fine. I think this was anxiety actually…the feeling of panic whenever I started to think about my breathing...

It’s a pretty horrible week or so but manageable, I’ve had worse hangovers, although they have never lasted a week!...The second week things start to ease up, but the anxiety/breathing issue still crops up during the day occasionally…

By the third week at home I’m feeling pretty much back to normal…all the while I'm having acupuncture once a week which I have no doubt helps considerably.

About 15 days after the treatment began I noticed my hair falling out one day in the bath…my hair’s pretty short anyway so it needed me to tug at it, but then clumps come out…it’s a very weird feeling…and even though I’m not too worried about my hair it was quite distressing, like you’re falling apart or a radiation victim from “When The Wind Blows” ( a very bleak story about nuclear fallout)
So I shaved it all off, grade zero.

My biggest concern through all of this period was “Is This Actually Working” – a CT scan the day before round 2 will tell me.

Thursday, 3 December 2009

End of Week 8 – Another ‘deposit’ and then it begins!

End of Week 8

I spent the last few days frantically trying to find out where I can make another deposit just in case of fertility damage. I paid for the first one privately and it’s pretty expensive to maintain on a yearly basis, I should be able to do this for FREE on the NHS surely!

I now realise the risks are quite low, AND I have already been through all this once BUT, IF the worst does happen I want to be covered!

It was OUTRAGEOUSLY difficult to find out how and where you can go for sperm freezing on the NHS. My GP didn’t know, promised to come back to me once he had done some research and in the end didn’t. I called NHS direct who were friendly and did their best but the ‘best’ was to suggest somewhere hundreds of miles away from me. I live in fucking London for fuck’s sake!

In the end it was my Oncologist at Bart’s who was able to advise me on this, and I went ahead and did it at Barts. It was a rush, they need to check your blood for disease etc which takes a day or two, then book you in etc etc…anyway, I got there just in the nick of time, the day before chemo was due to start. Another pleasant experience of jerking off in a hospital! Lovely!

I guess making deposits in separate places might be going overboard, but I’m not going to let my future be determined by the possibility of some arsehead switching off my fridge at some point down the line…

Round 1 - Friday
Funnily enough I had actually started to kind of look forward to going in for the chemotherapy. Everything I had lined up to look forward to had been cancelled, this was going to be an experience to remember and I wanted to get it started. Plus I was intrigued.

Checked in at about midday…followed by a day of blood samples, cannulas being inserted into my veins, waiting, more waiting…some sitting around..

Finally they hooked me up at 7pm. Started with a dose of steroids and anti nausea drug intravenously. Then chemo. One in each arm.
This is how I remained for the next 4 days.

Day 1 was fine (dexamethasone [steroid] + kytril [anti-nausea], 2 hours Etoposide, 4 hours Cisplatin, saline etc x2 over 8 hours each, 24 hours Bleomycin in the other arm). I ate during the day, no problems.
Day 2 “Bring it on!” (same again) - by the end of Day 2 however I had started to feel somewhat nauseous. I had eaten again quite normally.
Day 3 (just the Etoposide and Bleomycin, no Cisplatin thank god, that’s the worst of the 3) they didn’t give me the steroid and anti-nausea intravenous this time. I lived to regret that!…the night of day 3 was the worst I felt throughout the whole ordeal…I woke in the night feeling SO SICK. It’s a weird kind of sickness, like nothing else, hollow, acid in your throat, just horrible horrible sickness throughout your whole body. BUT it was manageable, it could have been MUCH worse I’m sure, and its just a matter of being on top of the sickness. Eating today wasn’t very appealing but eating SOMETHING does help get rid of the sickness I found..
Day 4, tired and pretty sick feeling still but just a few more hours of Bleomycin left and that one is not so bad.
Once it was finished I ran a bath. I was on the phone and started hallucinate that my floor was pulsating. It wasn’t. I forgot about the bath and had flooded my room. Ho ho. Sorry nurses. I moved to my third room of my stay!

In addition to the drugs listed above, there was also a selection of further anti-sickness drugs that were administered at intervals to try to keep the nausea under control. Domperidone was the predominant one…but there are lots, some work better than others for each individual…
The Kytril, or granisetron, acts on the serotonin receptors in the brain, my understanding being that it effectively tricks the brain into thinking it doesn’t feel sick…other options that work like this are Ondansetron (Zofran), Tropisetron, Palonestron…
Other, maybe more traditional, anti-sickness drugs work on the actual digestive tract, making sure that nothing can move upwards (i.e. being sick!)…this goes for Metochlopramide
…or the antihistamine, or motion sickness route…such as Cyclizine, Hyoscine
Or sometimes I’m told sedatives are used such as lorazepam, haloperidol..
A very new option, called Emend, works via substance P inhibition, i.e. a specific receptor in the brain…again my understanding being it tricks the brain into not feeling sick…

My understanding of the dexamethasone (steroid)is that it helps by enhancing the effect of the other drugs on the body and helping the body to strengthen itself…

Please note these are my understandings of how these drugs work, but I found it helped to have some idea of what was being given to me and how they worked…it also helped me keep track of what was working better than other things, and to remember that for each treatment. This list was actually sent to me before I went in by a friend (a friend of a friend in fact to give her the credit rather than him!) -it was really useful and very much appreciated so I would advise people doing the same..

I went home feeling like shit but very pleased to be out of there and to have got round 1 out of the way fairly unscathed. It did hit me on day 3 which was a bit of a worry. I woke up feeling really down and depressed that morning, the worst thing I think was that very slim chance that the cancer wouldn’t respond to the treatment. This doesn’t happen often with this cancer, but it can do, and with other cancers I think the outcome and effectiveness of chemotherapy is more uncertain. This is tough…not knowing whether this bleak experience is going to cure you or not.

They packed me off with less than a week’s supply of anti-sickness pills…(I felt a little uneasy I might run out so spoke to my GP and got a repeat prescription. Turns out I did need more than originally given, but I stopped taking any anti-sickness pills as soon as I felt I didn’t need them…by about a week after coming out)…I was also given 10 days worth of antibiotics to take day 10-20..

Week 7 - Oncologist (Cancer Specialist)

Week 7
A very stern conversation. Halfway through I start to panic – THIS IS HORRIBLE.

“You will be having 3 courses of BEP – Bleomycin:, Etoposide, Cisplatin”
(links to further details in the reference section)

It had been mentioned that I would probably need 3 courses…I figured this meant chemo over 3 days. It turned out to mean 3 days (in fact 4 days as the Bleomicin was 3x24hrs)…x 3 courses…with 3 week intervals between each start date. So 9 + WEEKS!

“You will experience Nausea, although this can be pretty well controlled with anti-sickness medication. You are very likely to have some Hearing Damage; nerve damage resulting in tinnitus, upper frequency hearing loss. Lung Damage, some scarring is possible but we will keep a close watch on this. Hair loss, you WILL loose your hair. After about day 10 from the start of the chemo you’re immune system will plummet; white blood cells, platelets, even red blood cells eventually – this means if you get sick, catch a cold or some other illness your body has nothing to fight it off, you can die from this quite easily and must have the 24 hour oncology line for whoever is treating you so they can advise you to be rushed in to hospital to be treated urgently. Skin rashes and irritation. Fertility damage (I was pleased to hear that this was actually less likely than I thought, I still made plans to make another deposit elsewhere from the first to be safe).

I’m sure there are many more…everyone reacts differently.

The strict diet regime continues…

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Beginning of Week 6 – Outcome of the CT Scan

Beginning of Week 6
CT Scan…moment of truth. Again.

Go into the scanning machine around midday…lie down, go through the giant doughnut, then get injected with a contrast solution (this makes you feel strangely hot for about 3 minutes, in some odd places!)

Go for lunch and hang out with my Mum for the afternoon, pleasant day if not for the underlying bleakness, thanks Mum!

I meet with my urologist that evening to discuss the CT results, and the tumour histology in more detail ….

The exact words escape me now, but it had spread. Evidence of cancer cells spreading up the blood vessels from the testicle was found, and the CT showed spread into the lymph system. FUCK.

BUT we’d caught it pretty early, I was in the very very first stage of spread. It had gone into my lymph system, but was only evident in two lymph nodes in my lower abdomen, probably the very first place it could have gone to. And the were only slightly enlarged, 14-15mm diameter as opposed to about 8mm….
My stage: P3, N1, M0


My urologist didn’t want to go into too much detail about chemo and the ins and outs of my particular course, this wasn’t his speciality now…this was for the oncologist to decide and work out with me.

I walk home in shock, scared, depressed, but pretty determined.

Someone I love very dearly brought to light in a very strong way how tough this was going to be on my body and my entire self. That I had to stop everything bad for me, detox, take in only the best foods, stop drinking, smoking…that holistic lifestyle I’ve always believed in but never really followed.

It wasn’t really that difficult but the harsh words brought it home and were needed I think. Sometimes you need someone to tell you how it is!…I stopped smoking completely, stopped drinking completely (for now!), changed my diet (although it wasn’t TOO a drastic change I focused myself this time)..

There are lots of books and references online for all of this but very quickly…Wholegrain rice, lots of fruit and vegetables, focusing on dark colours (red cabbage, beetroots, kale, broccoli, carrots, pomegranates, berries, citrus. Nuts, seeds, berries, wheatgrass, food supplements, vitamins, Echinacea, milk thistle, lotus flower essence (!) etc etc. Avoiding dairy as much as possible, really cutting down on red meat. Cutting down on animals and animal products generally. Organic where possible, to avoid the additional strain to the body of clearing out pesticides , the effects of irradiated food and hormone injected animals, and the effects on animals of being force fed other hormone injected animals and pesticides, and irradiated fruits…and other such crap we’re forced to consume due to the nature of the society we live – although I’m certain all this makes a difference, you’re also probably better off eating non-organic but eating well rather than avoiding anything if you cant source it or afford it to be organic (it is OUTRAGEOUSY more expensive).

I feel now that in some ways this was lucky...had there not been this evidence of spread from the CT maybe we wouldn’t have gone with the chemo, or maybe I would have had only one round…with no chemo at all it would have been a chance for the cancer to spread even further before the next CT, with only one round of chemo it may have pushed it back but then allowed it to come back with a vengeance. I don’t know.

End of Week 4 / Week 5 / Rolling into Week 6 - Recovery & CT Scan..

End of Week 4 / Week 5 / Rolling into Week 6
So now it’s a matter of recovery and healing from the operation.

The next stage will be the CT scan of my body to check for any signs of spread…this will be very tense! I could have had this done before the operation but it really makes no difference, and because my urologist wanted to get me in to remove the tumour as soon as he was confident that’s what it was we left the CT, and booked me in for the operation the following day…and the wonderful sperm bank in the morning of the same day…so CT booked for about 2 weeks time…If it has spread it means chemotherapy..if not, its basically over.

These days aren’t so bad…I’m on a pretty good concoction of painkillers and sleeping pills…operation went well, the pain comes if I let the pain killers wear out…as the days go by I try to reduce the amount of medication I’m taking, very gradually.

Although I have no strict aversion to medication I am a believer in a holistic approach to life…to physical and mental well-being, and to the inter-connectedness of things (now there’s a vague waffly sentence...but true nonetheless) and I believe that the constant ingestion of pills cannot be good for the system – although this has to be balanced with the benefits of not being in pain or not being able to sleep, which also cannot be good for the system when trying to recover..

(ps when I SAY “I am a believer in a holistic approach to life” this is how I think, not always how I ACT if you catch my drift – I’m no holistic vegan yogi!)

Although I think I’m a pretty healthy eater anyway, I try to pick up my game…but I’m not really focused on this…I continue to drink (I say in moderation but probably well over what would be recommended), smoke a little (I do mean a little, less than one cigarette day)…basically treating myself to whatever I feel like. I’m still invincible. It will be ok. Surely I wont have to have chemo!

By a couple of days before the CT I can walk slowly...although not stand about for long, and to be honest am well on the road to repair. Still very odd sensations in my groin, skin feels odd to the touch, cut is healed enough to remove dressing by about a week into recovery.

My urologist calls me to tell me the histology of what was taken out has come back, IT WAS INDEED CANCER SO WE’VE DONE THE RIGHT THING…

One bit of good news, it hasn’t spread locally, I half assume this means it hasn’t spread at all…

I get very drunk about 2 nights before the CT…this was a mistake, I went for a civilised late lunch and drunk a little, then a little at thing leads to another and well…very drunk and very hung over the next day. Sick out one end, and intense pain in my wounded lower abdomen with each retch. A lesson learned…but my stress levels were obviously pretty high…I find out tomorrow if I’m lucky enough to escape or if the ordeal gets worse.

My view on the operation has changed. This was worth it. I don’t want cancer.

“I’ll be alright….right!?”

WK 4 – Freezing & Operation

Week 4/Day 3
Early Afternoon
Visit to sperm bank around midday. Pretty uncomfortable and unpleasant experience. But pretty funny nonetheless….

Lead down the corridor..
Here’s the toilet sir…and here’s your room, I hope you’re comfortable
Ah, don’t forget your pots HE HANDS ME 3 POTS…2 deposits would be good, try for 3 if you can.
A hot and sweaty half an hour ensues…2 POTS. (Always bring your own material – 10 yr old ‘Readers Wives’, coupled with the reason for being there, in a converted WC, is not conducive to the necessary vibes. Get me.)
(they were in fact very good pots worth it turned out…a little good news huh!)

Late Afternoon
Slow walk to hospital.
This was a difficult afternoon. Voluntarily walking into a hospital to do this seemed insane. I knew it had to be done but I was scared. What if I lose BOTH of them. I’m not invincible. What if I’m totally screwed. If this is the start of the end of everything. It could be. Shit I’m seriously stressed out.
I am moved upstairs for surgery…

“Here’s the gin and tonic sir” (that was the anaesthetist injecting me with the general anaesthetic).

Hello sir, the operation went very well...the troubles I thought there might be don’t seem to have been there.
Feeling quite good.
More morphine please nurse.

Week 4/Day 4
Don’t feel too bad.
The pain killers are pretty good!
Have to queue in line and then wait for the pharmacist to package my order up – this takes about 20 mins. DON’T THEY KNOW IVE JUST HAD A BOLLOCK LOPPED OFF?! OBVIOUSLY NOT. PAIN KILLERS DO NOTHING FOR MY PATIENCE AND GENERAL TOLERANCE LEVELS.

My Dad takes me home and I chill.

I don’t look down for a good couple of days. Ouch. Shit.

Wk 4 - Diagnosis...and Operation

Wk 4

Week 4/Day 1
The Urologist tells me its almost certainly cancer. He will save the testis IF he can, although in most cases this is not advisable. He said he’s one of the very few in the world that even tries to save the testis, it’s a more difficult operation, and has a higher incidence of recurrence. With my emphasis currently on not having my bollock chopped off, this seemed like the most I could ask for. And in fact a hundred times nicer to hear than a blank assumption that removing a nut is an everyday thing, and no alternative will be even considered!

It is VERY unlikely to spread into the other one.
They have different blood supplies, etc etc, it will spread upwards into the lymphatic system, and then into organs such as the liver, the lungs and eventually the brain…usually before spreading into the other one.
(!?!? Would most guys think like this?! Seems stupid, but logical!)
I would advise you to store some sperm though, just to be safe. This one may be the only working one, plus you never know what’s going to happen.

(There is an increased chance of developing testicular cancer in the other one, but there isn’t necessarily a reason for this…but statistically it is more likely…either 2 or 3pc, or 2 o3 3 pc higher than if you haven’t…MUST CHECK THAT OUT…)

We discuss putting in a prosthetic, a fake nut, I initially say yes to the idea. If I wake up with something where it should be maybe it will be less distressing. He eventually decides that with the report he has it could be unwise to do this, he gets a second opinion, and firmly advises me it would not be a good idea to have a prosthetic at this point in case there is any local spread it may cause complications. “You can always have it put in later”
(I’m writing this about 7 weeks in and am actually quite glad I didn’t get one…seems pointless somehow – and to have surgery to have one put in seems even more

He booked me into his preferred radiologist for a second opinion. That was reassuring too. If she determined it to be cancer then he would have me in for the operation the following day.
Until that point I wasn’t convinced it was definitely cancer.
I went home feeling pretty staggered. FUCK.

Telling the family would come tomorrow, once I knew for sure. Invincibility factor MUST come in the next 24 hours!!!

Week 4/Day 2
Work day time. Tense day. Tell my boss, my team…THERE’S A GOOD CHANCE I WONT BE IN TOMORROW, OR FOR A WHILE!...very supportive and positive responses. I love you all thank you!

Ultrasound late pm – yes it’s a tumour, yes its almost certainly cancer. They wont know its DEFINITELY cancer until they have removed it and got back the histology report.

(They don’t really do biopsies or alike for testicular cancer, I think this if for two reasons..(i) ultrasounds are very reliable in this instance, an experienced radiologist can tell whether its got a high chance of being cancer just by looking (ii) if it IS cancer, and they start poking about at it, if even ONE CANCEROUS CELL is spilled because of the biopsy they have actually spread what may not have already spread)

I go to see urologist, he books me in for the following evening.

During this discussion my attitude changed. This was cancer. Get rid of the little bastard that’s trying to kill me. No longer did I fear losing my testicle over the cancer. This was cancer and I needed to get rid of it. I want to live. I love my life. I love my friends and my family. I love the people I work with. I want to do more. CHOP.IT.THE.FUCK.OFF.

Stiff couple of drinks.

I call my family. Not the end of the world don’t worry. Just a little operation. It will be fine. They were lovely. They didn’t stress (at least to my face) as much as I had feared. I didn’t talk to them until now as I knew it would be a difficult thing to hear, for all of them, for different and for the same reasons. Love you!

I wake up in the night shitting myself. Literally crying my eyes out. I hadn’t cried for a long time, except a little the previous night when speaking about it with someone. FUCK! THEYRE GOING TO CHOP OFF MY NUT.

Monday, 2 November 2009


Week 3 / Day 1
I went to my GP with a lump, he said it was probably nothing to worry about, epididymitis probably (literally meaning “an infection of the epididymis” or something like that…) in other’ve got swollen bits near your nut, probably where the epididymis is therefore…its probably an infection of the epididymis …here are some antibiotics, come back in a couple of weeks. The lump was very worrying to me, almost definitely would be to any guy...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ON MY NUT! FUCK! MY NUT! FUCK! took me about a week to go and get it seen to, hoping it would go away, although definitely wouldn’t be the first time I had had to pull my trousers down to a doctor I was still slightly embarrassed at the idea…am I being a hypochondriac? Is this somehow less manly than going to get checked out for an STD? Am I worrying about nothing? FUCK THOUGH IT’S MY FUCKING NUT! Anyway, I battled my way into an emergency appointment, got prescribed the antibiotics and told it probably wasn’t anything to worry about…this is not to blame my GP, to be fair MOST similar cases probably are NOT cancer (only 2000 men a year are diagnosed with testicular cancer in the UK, out of what, 30million men?) – cysts, epididymitis, an STD etc etc. I can’t remember clearly whether I pushed for an ultrasound, or whether the GP referred me without my asking, but refer me he did, to the local NHS hospital.

I went straight to the hospital, only to be told it would be SEVERAL WEEKS before I could get an appointment...RIGHT, IM OFF, DON’T YOU REALISE THIS IS A FUCKING EMERGENCY YOU BUTT HOLE, YOU TELL ME YOU’D WAIT SEVERAL WEEKS TO PUT YOUR MIND AT EASE ABOUT THE OLD FAMILY HEIRLOOMS…so outside I went to try my private health insurance to see if I had any better luck there, I got an appointment for the next day! I tried the NHS first I promise! Although having private health care means I’ve just been treated at almost zero cost to the government and the rest of the country, people who can possible afford it probably should…out of principle its annoying I know, I pay national insurance, why shouldn’t I get good treatment out of that?! Anyway, the fact of the matter is I got seen quicker, and have been MUCH more comfortable being treated privately…I will come back to this later but it ranges from having the newest, the best, and/or most expensive drugs on the market at my disposal; to being seen quicker (this is HUGELY important when dealing with cancer…one consultant suggested that if Id had the tumour removed a month earlier there may have been no evidence of spread…ANYWAY if if…); to having your own room in hospital; to shorter queues for all of the MANY appointments you have to go to; to having a nicer waiting room with less people in it...the list goes on. Plus, why not, it frees u a space for someone who doesn’t private health care.

There’s my debate on health care then…it should be available free to everyone, and if you have the means or opportunity to insure yourself as well then do. Although I’m not sure what all this means for any potential future private healthcare for myself…sure to find out soon enough.

So, where was I, ultrasound,
Week 3/Day 2, radiologist tells me I have an abnormal swelling, but its not a problem, you can just remove it.
The testis
It’s a very simple operation, very safe, it wont affect your life at all, you can be in and out in a day.
(I didn’t like this guy much – he was blank faced, didn’t seem to really care, or pretend to care, reckon he would have done it there and then with a spoon if he could have)
No response.
There’s a good chance you have testicular cancer sir, to treat this, the most effective thing to do is to remove the testis.
About 50/50…
Then I said something I still think is quite strange…
That is weird I think, especially when the reality of “having cancer” actually started to sink in.

I went back to my GP with this news, and got to see a urologist consultant several days later (I would have seen him quicker but he was away for a few days and he was highly recommended and this seemed the best course of action. Sit tight, wait to see the best I can find.) He was very good, an is available to see both on the NHS and privately – I list his name in the CONTACTS entry of the blog

So far I hadn’t told anyone.

I was in shock; I was really upset; I was kind of embarrassed; I didn’t want to worry people; I didn’t want to cause a commotion and then be ok; I was hoping I would get away with it, holding out for a spot of luck, that invincibility factor we all have, we think.

Towards the end of the week a good friend I happened to see detected something was up and bugged me for a day or two until I told her. We were at a Dame Shirley Bassey gig, oddly enough. Good gig! It was difficult, but it actually really helped to have broken the ice.

I got very drunk, told a couple more people whilst off my face. That didn’t help so much, I sort of regretted letting that slip, but at least a few people knew so I had to face up to it.

I didn’t feel embarrassed any more. No one’s response was amused in any way. If it can happen to you it can happen to anyone is probably what it makes everyone think. Shit man.

There were one or two people who were harder to tell…so that waited a few days.


Week 1 / Day 1

Slight lower back ache on my right side...maybe kidney pains. Have I been drinking this weekend? Flu-like symptoms.

Week 1 / Day 2

Feels better. Go to work.

Week 1 / Sometime later in the week

I find a lump on my nut. It hurts.

Internet search.
AHA IT HURTS…lumps due to testicular cancer don’t usually hurt. SO IM OK.

I call a hospital and try to book an ultrasound. I’m told I need a referral from a GP. Try to get a doctors appointment – they don’t have anything for 2 weeks. I book in the earliest appointment.

Week 2

Hm, still there, quite large. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR.


End of Week 2


Sunday, 1 November 2009

An Introduction Is Needed I Guess...


Where do I begin…although I have been recording video entries they were not done with any kind of regular interval, more when I felt up to it and when I was at an interesting stage, and I think often some details and key feelings or reflections were missed due to me being on camera, and not really liking the idea of that.

Although I thought about documenting the drama of it all from very early on, really from the minute someone seriously suggested I might have testicular cancer, I didn’t actually pull out a camera, or realistically put the idea into motion until after the operation and until I was told I it had spread and that I would have to have chemotherapy.

I think the operation to remove my testicle was one of the fucking hardest things to come to terms with about the whole thing actually. “YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT!?” Masculinity. Kids. Being Normal. Embarrassment. Down To My Last One! FUCK!

This isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with; and probably wont be the hardest thing I am yet to deal with. It definitely hasn’t been easy, and still isn’t. Worse things happen to people. My life isn’t over. There were brief patches...days, hours…where it seemed like it could be. But it isn’t.

Testicular cancer is very curable. I hung onto this fact. Cancer in general can be curable, although just HOW curable depends on many many things, early detection seems always to be the most important factor, and where the cancer originates – “cancer” is a term that takes one about 200 different forms, the traits of each are determined by which cell group mutated into a cancerous cell or group of cells. Those traits will determine how aggressive it is / how fast it spreads; how well it responds to chemotherapy and radiotherapy; for some of the harder to treat cancers there are now developments in biological therapies; and ultimately what the outlook will be.

It’s a shock, but something almost everyone is certain to come across in their life. For me, although I was obviously scared this could be the end of my life, at least as I know it, I feel it wont be and it will make me stronger. I have been positive for the most part, and still am, and either way will take many positives from it.


I’m 27, live in London with 2 housemates, work in the music industry, travelling the world for both my job and whenever I can for holiday. Although generally try to be thoughtful and sensible about life, I’m the same as, or worse than, most people I know…I go out, I drink, I talk a lot of shit, I go to bed very late…I probably try to eat more healthily than some, but don’t spend a lot of time exercising. Generally I figure Ill be ok, in fact…I actually believe/d that I would outlive everyone I know and love…not because I’m healthier, but because my cantankerous nature would suit the old bastard that got left behind 20 long old years longer than anyone else. Ha Ha. Now I’m not so sure!

My biggest worry is the state of the world, the downward spiral we seem to be on, the overpopulation and over consumption we’re so addicted to. I cant talk much, I fly a lot. However, I think our problems are bigger than individuals, they are written into the blueprint of global relations and lifestyle. I could go on forever…

This is coupled with my own personal worries about the state of my life (which I love in the main)…and my need to do BETTER..MORE!


Saturday, 31 October 2009


If at any point someone wants to get in touch with me please feel free...

The whole blog idea started as wanting to create a short informative and positive film documenting the situation and the process and that would be out there to help raise awareness, break down some of the taboos and embarrassment around the condition, to help encourage guys to be aware of the possibility this could happen to them, and that getting checked out early can make the whole situation MUCH less of a problem and much easier to deal with...potentially saving body parts, and life! If it does nothing else then just to reassure and to be informative...writing a blog was suggested to me to be part of that process, and although it wasnt something I had considered and didnt feel overly comfortable with I figured it would be a way of being much more detailed about the whole process...

It’s meant as a record of my experience and my understandings so I hope I don’t contradict anyone else’s experience or understandings…and I hope not to mislead or misinform…

The entries weren't necessarily written on the dates posted, or the days they happened..but I've tried to upload and post them in a way to make it easier to read and to make more sense for not giving all the exact dates made me feel like I am at least keeping something private,if that makes any sense.

There is some quite strong language. This is necessary I think. Strong language was what was often going through my mind!

There are video diary entries throughout at their relevant times..

The short film is still being made...I will upload it when it’s done