Sunday, 1 November 2009

An Introduction Is Needed I Guess...


Where do I begin…although I have been recording video entries they were not done with any kind of regular interval, more when I felt up to it and when I was at an interesting stage, and I think often some details and key feelings or reflections were missed due to me being on camera, and not really liking the idea of that.

Although I thought about documenting the drama of it all from very early on, really from the minute someone seriously suggested I might have testicular cancer, I didn’t actually pull out a camera, or realistically put the idea into motion until after the operation and until I was told I it had spread and that I would have to have chemotherapy.

I think the operation to remove my testicle was one of the fucking hardest things to come to terms with about the whole thing actually. “YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT!?” Masculinity. Kids. Being Normal. Embarrassment. Down To My Last One! FUCK!

This isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with; and probably wont be the hardest thing I am yet to deal with. It definitely hasn’t been easy, and still isn’t. Worse things happen to people. My life isn’t over. There were brief patches...days, hours…where it seemed like it could be. But it isn’t.

Testicular cancer is very curable. I hung onto this fact. Cancer in general can be curable, although just HOW curable depends on many many things, early detection seems always to be the most important factor, and where the cancer originates – “cancer” is a term that takes one about 200 different forms, the traits of each are determined by which cell group mutated into a cancerous cell or group of cells. Those traits will determine how aggressive it is / how fast it spreads; how well it responds to chemotherapy and radiotherapy; for some of the harder to treat cancers there are now developments in biological therapies; and ultimately what the outlook will be.

It’s a shock, but something almost everyone is certain to come across in their life. For me, although I was obviously scared this could be the end of my life, at least as I know it, I feel it wont be and it will make me stronger. I have been positive for the most part, and still am, and either way will take many positives from it.


I’m 27, live in London with 2 housemates, work in the music industry, travelling the world for both my job and whenever I can for holiday. Although generally try to be thoughtful and sensible about life, I’m the same as, or worse than, most people I know…I go out, I drink, I talk a lot of shit, I go to bed very late…I probably try to eat more healthily than some, but don’t spend a lot of time exercising. Generally I figure Ill be ok, in fact…I actually believe/d that I would outlive everyone I know and love…not because I’m healthier, but because my cantankerous nature would suit the old bastard that got left behind 20 long old years longer than anyone else. Ha Ha. Now I’m not so sure!

My biggest worry is the state of the world, the downward spiral we seem to be on, the overpopulation and over consumption we’re so addicted to. I cant talk much, I fly a lot. However, I think our problems are bigger than individuals, they are written into the blueprint of global relations and lifestyle. I could go on forever…

This is coupled with my own personal worries about the state of my life (which I love in the main)…and my need to do BETTER..MORE!


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