Wk 3 – ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?!

Week 3 / Day 1
I went to my GP with a lump, he said it was probably nothing to worry about, epididymitis probably (literally meaning “an infection of the epididymis” or something like that…) in other words...you’ve got swollen bits near your nut, probably where the epididymis is therefore…its probably an infection of the epididymis …here are some antibiotics, come back in a couple of weeks. The lump was very worrying to me, almost definitely would be to any guy...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ON MY NUT! FUCK! MY NUT! FUCK!...it took me about a week to go and get it seen to, hoping it would go away, although definitely wouldn’t be the first time I had had to pull my trousers down to a doctor I was still slightly embarrassed at the idea…am I being a hypochondriac? Is this somehow less manly than going to get checked out for an STD? Am I worrying about nothing? FUCK THOUGH IT’S MY FUCKING NUT! Anyway, I battled my way into an emergency appointment, got prescribed the antibiotics and told it probably wasn’t anything to worry about…this is not to blame my GP, to be fair MOST similar cases probably are NOT cancer (only 2000 men a year are diagnosed with testicular cancer in the UK, out of what, 30million men?) – cysts, epididymitis, an STD etc etc. I can’t remember clearly whether I pushed for an ultrasound, or whether the GP referred me without my asking, but refer me he did, to the local NHS hospital.

I went straight to the hospital, only to be told it would be SEVERAL WEEKS before I could get an appointment...RIGHT, IM OFF, DON’T YOU REALISE THIS IS A FUCKING EMERGENCY YOU BUTT HOLE, YOU TELL ME YOU’D WAIT SEVERAL WEEKS TO PUT YOUR MIND AT EASE ABOUT THE OLD FAMILY HEIRLOOMS…so outside I went to try my private health insurance to see if I had any better luck there, I got an appointment for the next day! I tried the NHS first I promise! Although having private health care means I’ve just been treated at almost zero cost to the government and the rest of the country, people who can possible afford it probably should…out of principle its annoying I know, I pay national insurance, why shouldn’t I get good treatment out of that?! Anyway, the fact of the matter is I got seen quicker, and have been MUCH more comfortable being treated privately…I will come back to this later but it ranges from having the newest, the best, and/or most expensive drugs on the market at my disposal; to being seen quicker (this is HUGELY important when dealing with cancer…one consultant suggested that if Id had the tumour removed a month earlier there may have been no evidence of spread…ANYWAY if if…); to having your own room in hospital; to shorter queues for all of the MANY appointments you have to go to; to having a nicer waiting room with less people in it...the list goes on. Plus, why not, it frees u a space for someone who doesn’t private health care.

There’s my debate on health care then…it should be available free to everyone, and if you have the means or opportunity to insure yourself as well then do. Although I’m not sure what all this means for any potential future private healthcare for myself…sure to find out soon enough.

So, where was I, ultrasound, Week 3/Day 2, radiologist tells me I have an abnormal swelling, but its not a problem, you can just remove it.
ERR REMOVE WHAT!?
The testis
WHAT. THE. FUCK?!
It’s a very simple operation, very safe, it wont affect your life at all, you can be in and out in a day.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. ARE. YOU. TALKING. ABOUT.?!
ARE YOU SERIOUSLY SUGGESTING REMOVING MY FUCKING BOLLOCK?!
(I didn’t like this guy much – he was blank faced, didn’t seem to really care, or pretend to care, reckon he would have done it there and then with a spoon if he could have)
No response.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?
There’s a good chance you have testicular cancer sir, to treat this, the most effective thing to do is to remove the testis.
WELL WHAT ARE MY CHANCES OF NOT HAVING TO REMOVE THE TESTIS!?
About 50/50…
SHIT!
Then I said something I still think is quite strange…
IM ACTUALLY MORE WORRIED ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF HAVING A NUT CHOPPED OFF THAN HAVING CANCER.
That is weird I think, especially when the reality of “having cancer” actually started to sink in.

I went back to my GP with this news, and got to see a urologist consultant several days later (I would have seen him quicker but he was away for a few days and he was highly recommended and this seemed the best course of action. Sit tight, wait to see the best I can find.) He was very good, an is available to see both on the NHS and privately – I list his name in the CONTACTS entry of the blog

So far I hadn’t told anyone.

I was in shock; I was really upset; I was kind of embarrassed; I didn’t want to worry people; I didn’t want to cause a commotion and then be ok; I was hoping I would get away with it, holding out for a spot of luck, that invincibility factor we all have, we think.

Towards the end of the week a good friend I happened to see detected something was up and bugged me for a day or two until I told her. We were at a Dame Shirley Bassey gig, oddly enough. Good gig! It was difficult, but it actually really helped to have broken the ice.

I got very drunk, told a couple more people whilst off my face. That didn’t help so much, I sort of regretted letting that slip, but at least a few people knew so I had to face up to it.

I didn’t feel embarrassed any more. No one’s response was amused in any way. If it can happen to you it can happen to anyone is probably what it makes everyone think. Shit man.

There were one or two people who were harder to tell…so that waited a few days.